John Cleese's letter to America - John Cleese was one of the stars of the legendary Monty Pythoin series, and also the star of Fawlty Towers. Here's what he has to say to all Americans......
Your
new prime
minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire
may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To
aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should
look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up
"aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half
the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix
'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you find you
simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels
(look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-ize."
6. You will relearn your
original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th
will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national
holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called
"Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn
to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.
The fact
that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not
adult enough
to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult
enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public
10. All
American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At
the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit
of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand
the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA
will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly
$6/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will
learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called
"crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed
not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters
and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."
American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood
be required occasionally to cast English actors as> > good guys. Hollywood will
also be
required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching
Andie
MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral"
was an experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese
grater.
17. You will cease playing American
"football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it
"soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event
called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America
. Since
only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,
your
error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You
must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due,
backdated
to 1776. Thank you for your co-operation.
